Friday, August 28, 2009

I seriously hate drama...
Today didn't go well...
I mean, you're just so complicated... You just keep chirping and I just guess I'll never know when you really mean what you say... Like, what's your point?...
It's just the vibe I keep getting... Like you're purposely doing what you do to hurt me. It just confirms the impression I have that you're a coward. You don't dare to come out and tell me what the hell is wrong with you or us, but you use these cheap methods to help you let off some steam. If you think I'm cold, then ask yourself why I can get along just fine with other people who are just as close to me as you... It's just something that you have to figure out yourself. What I feel is that you have a self-pity mentality... Like you whine that others are just so mean and cold towards you and that you don't know what's wrong with them and what's their problem, but you never stop to think that maybe you're the one who just reads too deep into every single action and make a drama out of it. It's not as if I started labellling. you were the one who labelled it. I never felt that way from the start... You were just a friend. what. you don't care about me? Like hell I care about you. and I'm selfish because I didn't do ___?. okaayy... So now a friend is rated on how much she gives materially? she's rated on her reponses to your pointless comments and remarks? she's rated on how much she goes out with you? She's rated on how much she changes because of you? I feel like I'm losing who I am. I feel like I was never like this. I never saw things in this perspective. maybe it's time to stop.

Yesterday, Sam came to my class during recess and we just started talking about life and all the drama and just the latest stuff going on. And in the middle of it all, i started to realise that this is how it used to be. When life was less drama and more carefree. I really miss Sam. We seriously had lots in common and everything was just so comfortable. Now, it's like i feel so tense and jittery half the time. It shouldn't be this way...

jackie blogged at 5:55 AM

Friday, August 21, 2009

i'm tired. like seriously, mentally exhausted...
it's just like a never-ending race. i know the end is near, but i just can't see it.
it gets harder with every step.
i forget. i just can't seem to remember. maybe forgetting is good.
i'll just forget eveything.

i don't understand.
everyday is a new day with you.
i feel like i have to be sensitive of your moods and feelings.
it's like i'm stepping on eggshells around you.
i feel like you expect me to centre my life around you.
things like shifting a table makes me think of all the 'politics',
wondering how you'd react or think.
i feel like you expect everyone else to make the first move.
maybe it's to give you a sense of security to know that you're wanted.
and you wonder why she hasn't called you in weeks.
she's probably tired of always making the first move and waiting for you
to take the initiative... just think about it.

you don't like it when i hang out with other people.
my life doesn't revolve around you.
and yet you can hang out with her. and you obviously know i don't like her.
and you say nothing's going on.
so i'm supposed to come running back and wrap myself around
whatever you want?

you say you don't feel as if you can trust other people or there isn't anyone who understands you.
but don't you stop to think that maybe it's just that you don't open up?
maybe you're just building an invisible wall that you expect people to break through.
and when they don't, you're peeved because you feel no one is capable of understanding what you're going through.

put on a fake smile, a fake act. when're you going to let people in?
it's just sad you think too much.
it's sad that you wallow in self-pity and feel miserable, -and that's all you do.
and yet, when she worries for you, you get pissed at her for interfering.
you don't know what you want...

jackie blogged at 9:47 PM

Monday, August 3, 2009

hahas(: yeah...
I mean, no matter what, there'll always be ups and downs.
I guess God is trying to teach me to love people...
But it's really hard.
I mean, I don't expect people to love me, so I don't love 'em.
hahas(:

BUUTTT,...
I'm really starting to really LOVE 4e4!!! ((:
I mean, you can be excessively high and everyone else will be high with you
and there's no such thing as being 'pai-seh'!
it's such a comfortable environment!!! ((:
Today, Jane was suddenly high!
It's such a big difference from last year where she was as quiet as a mouse...
It was really funny!
I'm seriously going to miss 4e4 :(
like, when everyone is getting closer, we all have to part :(
damn... :(

Aiyooo...
I told myself that I would'nt touch the computer...
WHAT AM I DOING?!?!

toodles!!!~

jackie blogged at 3:18 AM